The Rehash Ep. 1 | Blackfishing

The year was 2014. Up to that point in time, I had been single for eight years, so I decided to hit the dating scene.

Much to a lot of people’s surprise, I actually suffer from a great degree of social awkwardness, I’m self-conscious, especially about my weight, I’m painfully shy – no, really, I HATE having to talk to audiences after a live show – and I had trouble meeting men in general. So, I decided to try dating online. Per the suggestion of a friend and coworker, I made the mistake of going on Plenty of Fish. Don’t do that; respect yourself.

But then, of course, I joined Tinder.

Here’s the thing, though: every few matches or so, I would get some guy in my messages calling me a bot or a catfish. And, given that we live in America, a country built on systemic oppression, misogyny, a constitutional clause that said my race makes me 3/5ths of a human being, and you know, the place where you can get shot 5 times in your sleep and the officers who did it only get a slap-on-the-wrist-level penalty for the shots they missed, naturally I was like … who PRETENDS to be a Black woman?

Turns out, a lot of fucking people.

This is called being a Blackfish.

Not to be confused with the documentary on Netflix about the atrocities committed by SeaWorld. 

Though, fun fact, the killer whale at the center of the film is a male named “Tilikum,” a Pacific Northwest Native American word that means “friend,” which is hilarious because he’s murdered like, 6 people. It’s got KILLER right there in the name, but you hoes wanna get right up there next to the tank to rub his belly. No ma’am. 

But no. The act of Blackfishing is … it’s not fish murder, but it’s definitely a much worse thing to do than be an orca, who we all know are the douchebags of the ocean.

For anyone wondering if I just referred to an orca as a fish, I’m fully aware that whales and dolphins and porpoises are mammals, but if you shaped like a fish, Imma call you a fish, you ol’ fish-shaped headass bitch.

Let’s take it back a step.

You’ve got Catfishing. By definition, via Urban Dictionary, so you know it’s real, a catfish is a person who pretends to be someone they’re not via social media to create one, or in some cases, multiple, false identities. My favorite definition is “a type of deceptive activity involving a person creating a sock-puppet social networking presence for nefarious purposes.”

I just really like the sound of the term “nefarious purposes.”

Catfishing is most often employed as part of a romance scam. We love a scammer. But sometimes a person employs catfishing for the purpose of covertly exploring their sexual identity. I am the posterchild for cis-het normativity, so it’s not my place to speak on that aspect of it, but that’s an example of one of the many motives behind why people catfish.

Now we get to Blackfishing.

What is Blackfishing? It’s a relatively recent trend in which people on social media, white women in particular, use fashion, tans, and other physical markers to present themselves, as possibly Black, mixed-race, or otherwise racially ambiguous. Weirdly enough, a lot of the women who do this are from Scandinavian countries and naturally very pale. But when you look at their Instagram pages, it’s easy to get confused about their race because they’ve deepened their skin tones so much that their fake tans make ME look pale. Max cringe, y’all.

Weird, ain’t it?

Where the Jersey Shore cast and “Tan Mom” are a special variety I like to call “rotisserie white people,” Blackfishing  a classic case of “they want our rhythm but not our blues.”

Remember her???

It’s in the vein of cultural appropriation because people who Blackfish are taking what’s cool, what’s beautiful, what’s trendy, even, about Black culture, and taking on the SKIN, but without taking on the baggage that comes with our skin. They don’t deal with racism, police brutality, or general marginalization. 

Blackfishing means you can cosplay as Black person, and it’s totally OK if you break Kayfabe in front of the cops. You know, because living in constant fear of having your civil rights violated just really doesn’t go with the aesthetic.

One important thing to note is that Blackfishing is not the same as blackface. Both are problematic AF, but blackface was and IS used as a weapon that reinforces the most negative, and oftentimes untrue stereotypes about Black people, thus perpetuating the hurt and abuse that we face in real life. It was created by white people with the express purpose of defining and dehumanizing Black people. In its earliest iterations, it was even used as pro-slavery propaganda. Zip-Ah-Dee-Doo-Dah!

The practice of wearing blackface is rooted in minstrel shows where, because Blacks and whites were not permitted to perform together, if there was a Black character on a show, a white person would portray them. It’s also a favorite pastime of talentless YouTubers and poorly executed Fallon sketches. It’s been a staple of American entertainment since the post-civil war Reconstruction era and can be seen in archival footage of vaudeville acts, movies, Tom & Jerry cartoons, and characters such as the Mammy, Sambo, and pickaninnies. Do yourself a favor and DON’T google “Alligator Bait.” Or what H.P. Lovecraft named his cat.

Also, some of you hoes applying that blackface makeup on yourselves have never visited a Sephora counter, and it shows. If you’re gonna go for it, at least apply the makeup evenly, I mean Jesus.

Funny enough, the Venn Diagram where Blackfishing and Blackface weirdly overlap is right in your pantry…

on some pancakes

The woman whose image this character was “based” on was named Nancy Green and she deserved better. Read about her —>HERE<—

rice

With great power comes the urge to use the “Magical Negro” trope to sell your product.

and a guy named Rastus.

Betcha didn’t know his name was Rastus.

But that’s also a discussion for another time.

 bUt WhAt aBoUt wHiTe-FaCe?!?!

Putting on a white face has never limited the opportunities of white people or encouraged violence against them. Whiteface is often worn as a critique on racism while blackface is degradation. The more you know.

If you disagree, please, tell me the last time when someone wearing whiteface compromised your safety or caused you to be denied of an opportunity. I’ll wait. No, I won’t.

But back to Blackfishing. Per a published essay by UNH professor of Africana Feminism — that’s a real thing, shut the fuck up, Teegan — Aria Halliday, these Instagram models and influencers don’t have to deal with the everyday existence of what it means to be a Black woman, but often parade themselves around online as such. What’s even more gross is that a lot of the time, these women get massive product sponsorships for Instagram posts because of their “exotic” look.

Oftentimes, when confronted about their activities, a lot of these models find a way to skirt around accountability. One of the most prominent IG models behind the controversy is a whole Swede named Emma Hallberg. 

What in the beige fuck.

Sometime in 2019, she went on Good Morning America and said, “Bork-de-bork-de-bork-bork,” 

which I believe roughly translates from Swedish to, “I haven’t done anything to make myself look darker. I get the tan naturally when I get in the sun.”

She further goes on to say, “The things I’ve been accused of, and the things people are mad at me about are things that are natural on me. My hair, my nose, my lips, my face – I’ve never claimed to be Black or biracial, or anything else than white.”

All while looking like THIS.

 I mean… that’s a very young Black-American woman aesthetic. But what do I know? I’m just a … young Black-American woman…

 But this brings us to the issue with cultural appropriation, and Blackfishing is definitely a sub-genre of that.

See, by definition, Cultural Appropriation – which is actually an offshoot of cultural colonialism, look it up! – is the unacknowledged or inappropriate adoption of the customs, practices, ideas, garments, and other significant elements of a group of people or society by members of another, with the appropriators typically being the members of the dominant, ruling class people of a society. To appropriate is to divorce an aspect of a culture from its original meaning and use it for entertainment purposes without regard for its original context or having to deal with any negative ramifications that someone of that culture would have to deal with.

 It is but it ISN’T quite whitewashing, you know? Like, whitewashing is when you find out Emma Stone isn’t even half Chinese. It’s a movie about Ancient Egypt with an all-white cast. It’s John Wayne playing Genghis Khan. It’s a bunch of Greek guys Puerto-Rican face in West Side Story. Impeccable choreography, though. Bob Fosse could never.

 Cultural appropriation is judging art through the lens of the group that has the most power and presenting it as their own creation, especially when it comes to trying to profit from it.

 2013 Miley Cyrus could probably teach a Master Class on all of that.

 “What about when Black women straighten their hair or wear blonde hair?”

Well, Jeffrey, that’s a matter of ASSIMILATION.

In America in particular, cultural assimilation is a matter of survival. Assimilation means to absorb yourself into the cultural tradition of a dominant population or group.

Even though it’s more acceptable to do so in this day and age, as recently as 10 - 15 years ago, it wasn’t NEARLY as cool to hold onto your own culture if you were an ethnic minority or immigrant. There was an overwhelming amount of social pressure to appear as “American” as possible. As someone who came to the states around age 3, I can attest to the fact that sometimes immigrants adopt measures to lose their accents and make sure that their children only speak English.

I cannot tell you how much Clifford the Dog I read while imitating my classmates’ voices, just to sound as American as possible. Sometimes that shit backfired, though, because when I was 4 and my parents took me to Disneyland and I made friends with this little white boy from Oregon named Brian. Our families became friendly and hung out for the duration of our respective trips, but on his family’s last day, we all went to ride Splash Mountain.

 Side note: We all know Splash Mountain is based on Song of the South, so put Uncle Remus on the ride, you cowards! Put some RESPEK on James Baskett’s name! He was the first Black man to be awarded an Oscar and it’s a crime to erase his legacy. Look it up!! 

I’ll get into that another time.

Back to the story. As we were waiting in line, Brian turned to his mom and kept saying, “I gotta go potty! I gotta go potty! I gotta go potty!” In my 4-year-old brain I kept asking myself, “what PARTY?” And it wasn’t until about 20 years later I realized I was learning English in a goddamn Boston accent. You people nearly ruined me.

More extreme cases of the need to assimilate manifest themselves as internalized racism and anti-blackness. That’s where you get a massive problem like skin bleaching. That’s a whole entire other can of eels that I won’t open all the way in this essay, but just know that we need to help Sammy Sosa.

But yes, assimilation by minorities is mainly a SURVIVAL TACTIC. It’s why, unless she straightens her hair, a Black woman wearing BLACK hair styles will be seen as “unkempt” and “unprofessional” and has a harder time finding or fitting it at work. It’s why Black girls have been sent home from school for wearing braids, even though it’s a protective style meant to retain moisture and strength because our hair is naturally a bit more brittle and porous. And trust me, the ETHNIC hair aisle at Walgreens and Gorilla Glue spray is doing us no favors in terms of achieving healthy hair.

Assimilation for Black people particularly, is, again, survival by adhering to the Euro-American status quo. whereas Kim K trying to name her line of off-brand girdles “Kimonos,” which, THANK GOD didn’t work out for her, or you know, all the times she’s worn cornrows and other known Black cultural hairstyles and tried to pass them off as “boxer braids” that are edgy and trendy, is outright cultural appropriation. And for all the Black men the Kar-Jenner Klan have ensnared, at this point claiming ignorance is an unacceptable excuse.

Side note: I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that forced assimilation is not just something that happens solely to people of African descent. Between 1790 and 1920 there were mandatory federal policies that forced assimilation onto Indigenous Americans. You know, to “peacefully” assimilate them into the culture that took their land lol. 

Also, Katy Perry tried her hand as a geisha.

Some of these garments are Chinese, but fireworks were invented in Asia so … product synergy???

I much preferred the cupcake titties, but of course I would, I’m a deviant.

In the time between when Tinder bros thought I was a catfish and now, we’ve seen the emergence and exposure of people who straight-up pretended to be Black and, in doing so, took away jobs and social justice platforms from otherwise deserving Black folks. We all know the face of that phenomenon as transracial icon and scam legend, Rachel Dolezal. 

All those Yaki texture sew-ins were not good for your edges, sus.

Recent updates on her life have shown that she’s legally changed her name to the SUPER-African-sounding Nkeche Diallo.

Because white privilege is the ability to double down on your Blackness.

 In my Billy Mayes, Shamwow Guy voice, but wait, THERE’S MORE!

It doesn’t stop at just Miss Rachel. Just as recently as October 2020, we saw the exposure of Jessica “Yessica” Krug, a white, Jewish woman who posed as a Hashtag Spicy Afro-Latina from Brooklyn, and became an associate professor at George Washington U, teaching courses about the African Diaspora.

That’s one spicy kugel!

Now listen. I’m well aware that my name, Tooky Kavanagh, is … different. But ain’t no Black person on earth named Jessica Krug.

This woman recently outed herself as a fraud stating, “I’m not just a culture vulture, I’m a culture leech,” and going so far as to say “I cancel MYSELF.”

I swear, now that you can racially scam your way into working in higher ed, the next time I apply for a job, bitch, I’m Norwegian. Pass me that pickled herring, my brother Johan.

Ohhhh but it gets better. Less than a week after Jessica Krug “cancelled” herself, ANOTHER Blackfish was exposed. A woman named Satchuel Paigelyn Cole posed as a Black woman to push herself to the front lines of the BLM movement in Indianapolis, even going so far as to hire a Black man to pretend to be her father.

I mean, get that check, Darius.

Honestly, this shit is deplorable. But it’ll never not be hilarious to me that she came out to her pretend father as white. Satchuel Cole isn’t even her real name, it’s the name of a famed Negro League baseball player! Her government name is actually Jennifer Benton, and she even went so far as to co-opt the pronouns They/Them while pretending to be Black. Imagine culturally appropriating coming out. Madam, you are not invited to The Cookout OR the Pride parade.

 On the flip side of all of this is cultural APPRECIATION.

Cultural appreciation means to take time to learn about and honor a culture and customs that are not your own – especially, within the context of America, if you’re a white person and the garments, hairstyle, and other elements you’re interested in come from a minority group. It’s one thing to post pics of your Native American headdress at Coachella for the ‘Gram, but it’s another if you actually research tribes in your state, meet people from the tribe, and learn about their customs.

“Wah-wah-wah! That’s such hard work!” Well then put down the dashiki, Piper. It’s not FOR you.

Cultural appreciation means there’s a cultural exchange based in MUTUAL RESPECT. The key is consent and inclusion. If it’s about and a product of a culture, it should INCLUDE people of that culture.

 Not long ago, we had a situation where beloved singer Adele paid tribute to London’s annual Caribbean carnival by posting this photo on her IG.

My mother’s side of the family is Jamaican and Haitian and when a couple of my aunties saw this, there was very much a “what the Rass Claat is THIS?” level of concern.

From that moment on, I saw her music in a whole new light. It was no longer “Chasing Pavements,” it was “Mi nuh chase man fi PAYMENT.” It’s not just “Rumor Has It,” it’s “Rumor has it, mi pumpump goodup.” It’s not just “Hello” it’s “Allo, yuh nuh ear? Mi did call yuh bout ten-tousand time.” Set MORE FIYAH to di rain.

 This was a lot. It was a lot.

I absolutely love Adele, but as someone who at one point in her life weighed 225lbs, some people should not be allowed to reach their goal weight. Some of y’all don’t know how to act when you get skinny. This just jokes, tho. Of course, I love Adele at any size, whatever size makes her happy. More importantly, I love Adele as long as Adele loves Adele, and her weight is none of our business, nor is it tied to her value, or anyone’s value as a human being. But this photo is still reckless endangerment with a snatched waist as her weapon. Skinny Al Sharpton is mostly who I’m talking about here because ever since he reached his goal weight he’s been posing in robes on Instagram and sliding into your granny’s DMs. I don’t need to know if a Civil Rights icon also perms his chest hair. I won’t subject you to that image.

But I digress. The Bantu Knots hairstyle Adele is wearing in that photo are NOT the reason why she is so successful and beloved. She didn’t get all those Grammys from making reggae albums, which is what we all know Snoop Lion would’ve wanted.

And she’s certainly not Blackfishing.

Black people 100% have the right to be offended and-or confused by this. She was doing the absolute MOST. But for all that’s egregious about it, it’s not full-on appropriation and it’s not her pretending to be Black in any way. We know she’s white, and she knows she’s white. She’s not trying to pass herself off as anything otherwise and gain an Instagram Flat Tummy Tea sponsorship from it.

In conclusion, despite the fact that this problem has been called out several times, we still gotta nip this shit in the bud. Do not give these Blackfishers the attention they seek, do not support their sponsorships, do not double tap any photos on their IG. Friends don’t let friends join multi-level-marketing companies or go overboard with the bronzer. When you see Blackfishing, report that shit immediately. And when you see someone culturally appropriating in general, call it out. Find an actual Black or mixed-race person and hype them up instead. Because the true way to cancel someone is to deprive them of their platform and the attention they need to be relevant.

 As for Blackfish the movie…

Look at this adorable murder-fish!

Netflix blurred out the scene where they extract breeding material for the killer whale Tilikum to make offspring. And I dunno about you, but for the fact that I pay these hoes $12.99 a month to watch this shit … I wanna see the fish chowder.

Fin.